The Plutocrats 
(The dainty strains of the Gavotte from "The Gondoliers" herald the rise of the curtain upon the third act. The chairs and table have been removed off the stage, but otherwise the scene remains the same. Captain Charon is discovered sitting on a small low stool to the left of the stage, while Daisy his bull, is sitting on its hindquarters slightly to the right, with an intelligent look on his face, Charon is reading a lurid picture magazine.)
Down in Hawaii Etc.
(The Devil's Own led by Mrs Beer enter right, dressed if possible as Hula sancers. As Charon Instructs Daisy how to dance, they also dance gracefully at the back following the words of the song with their own actions.)Chorus.
Dance to the soft delightful cadence
Of melodious guitars. (They dance)
Emulate them, darling Daisy!
Dance to the melody of guitars!
(Daisy under the tuition of Charon commences to dance clumsily)
You should find it very easy
Sway your hips in manner lazy.
(Daisy does so, though her manner could not be described as lazy)Charon.
Oh waggle your behind with gracious ease!
Strike and attitude nice and stately,
Do not wobble so at the knees
Stand erect and bow sedately.
(Daisy follows instructions.)Charon.
Now with a sinuous twest bend over,
Gently sway with seductive grace,
Dance as lightly as Pavlova
A smile of contentment on your face.
(Daisy & The Devil's Own do so.)Chorus
Dance as lightly as Pavlova
A smile of contentment on your face.
Shyly blushing, coyly glancing,
Glide impressively Daisy dear. (She does so)
Hula dancing's so entrancing
Letter by far than modern prancing.
Hula dancing's so entrancing
Better by far than modern prancing.
I simpl had to come back, Messy, I could't stand watching Dulce Domum go to the park like thus. And when the fascist emissary come to me this morning.....Messalina.
(Dreamily) He was such a nice man, that Fascist,Mr. Nemesis.
(Meaningly) Yes. When they offered me the dictatorship, I couldn't refuse. Do you know what I heard? (Lowering his voice) That the Plutocrats had been making eves at the ladies of the harem!Messalina.
(Shocked) But how horrible!Mr. Nemesis.
Something had to be done about it. (Suddenly struck by an idea) I've got it! [unclear: I'll] weave a spell and make them all virtuous!Messalina.
(Doubtfully) That'd be an awfully difficult spellMr. Nemesis.
May be, but I'll try.
(He steps forward and waves his arms mysteriously)Messalina.
(Hastily) Here wait a minute, I trust I'm not included in this puritanical spell?Mr. Nemesis.
Of course not! Now, watch the little dickie-bird. (He waves his arms again. Cymbals clash violently Messalina jumps.) That's all. (Pause) [unclear: afraid] my disguise isn't very becoming.Messalina.
(Doing him up) It'll be coming off if you don't look out. (Looking off) Good Lord, look at this!
(Enter the Plutocrats. Jerkily and in perfect time, in an aes thetic manner, a la Bunthorne, they each carry a large lily at which they gaze with looks of profound adoration.)
Song With Chorus.
Our lilies we sniff with a languid grace Etc.Vere do Vere.
And I thought an aesthetic was what doctors put you to sleep with.
(Messalina slips out unnoticed left)Mr. Sausage.
Seeing Mr. Nemesis. Ha, we are observed! Our searches into aesthaticism are discovered! Who are you - er - Madam?Mr. Nemesis.
(Curtseying clumsily, in a high pitched fals to) If it pleas you, I have come to join your establishment.page break Charon.
Oh listen [unclear: t] the [unclear: ythm] Daisy dear!
How ethereal! How entrancing!
From your efforts it is clear
You'll [unclear: he to] course in dancing.
(Dance. The Devil's Own come forward, and dance on either side of Daisy, then Charon steps into the line, and dances also, placeing his arm round the bull. At the conclusion of the dance, Mr Mash and Mr Sausage, who have entered and been doing a little dance themselves on the top step, compose themselves and stand haughtily as the Laurel and Hardy entrance tune is played. When the dancers hear the tune they all turn round and raise their hands in welcome. Daisy sits on his hind quarters and waves his tail and right foreleg.)
Charon and Devil's Own.
All hail Oh Mash Etc.
(Mr. Sausage And Mr. Mash descend the steps. The Devil's Own exit)Mr. Sausage.
And what is the meaning of this idyllic scene?Charon.
We were teaching Daisy to dance the Hula, Your Worship.Mr. Mash.
I didn't know Daisy was a disciple of Terpsichore.Charon.
(Indignantly) She isn't your worship! Are you Daisy? (Daisy bellows) You see she isn't. I won't have my bull called nasty names.Mr. Mash.
I'm afraid, Captain, that if the food supplies get any lower, we'll have to have Daisy for dinner!
(Daisy looks vicious and paws the ground)Mr Sausage.
The supply of oily rags is getting very scanty.Charon.
But Daisy is such a tough bull! I don't think she'd like the idea. Would you Daisy, love? (Daisy bellows frantically.)Charon.
(Going, his arm round Daisy) Come Daisy, let us away! Did the nasty men say nasty things about him then?
(They exit Charon consoling Daisy)
(Enter Lord Vere De Vere, Mr. Tight, Mr. Flee, the Rev. Scrounger and Profsssor Belly.)Rev. Scrounger.
Something must be done or we'll be ruined.Vere de Vere.
For some unknown reason the people don't seem page break to like us.Mr. Sausage.
Have we not legislated, and legislated and legislated?Mr. Flee.
I wonder what it can be that has upset them? Perhaps it's the wireless programmes. Professor, have they been up to scratch lately?Prof. Belly.
They have been superlative. We have averaged s'x symphonies and three concertos daily.Mr. Sausage.
And yet they rise against us. Its incredible!Mr. Flee.
Perhaps they're getting to know us too well. When we took over, they were used to mysticism - a sort of incomprehensible dictatorship. And now they can understand our every action.Rev. Scrounger.
Well, if that's the case, let us become incomprehensible.Vere de Vere.
How can we do that?Rev. Scrounger.
Let us turn aesthetic.Mr. Mash.
Good Gracious - what's that? does it hurt?Mr. Sausage.
Is it infectious?Rev. Scrounger.
All you have to do is to gaze at the lilies with rapt admiration - thus. (Attitude.) And the populace will bow before you.Vere de Vere.
I should think they'd faint if you looked like that.Rev. Scrounger.
You must murmur airy nothings and make them sound super intellectual.Mr. Sausage.
Oh, we're awfully good at that.Rev. Scrounger.
Well, let us go and pick lilies and start right away.Vere de Vere.
To think that I should be reduced to languishing over lilies. (They all exit hurriedly, right.)
(The piano strikes several melodramatic chords as Mr. Nemesis & Messalina enter left, very cautiously. Mr. Nemesis is dressed in a tight fitting woman's evening dress, high-heeled shoes and a preposterous hat. They advance in a stealthy fashion to the centre of the stage.)page break Vere de Vere.
In what capacity may I ask?Mr. Nemesis.
(Relapsing into his ordinary voice) As a singing girl, Your Lordship. (Remembering and in a falsetto voice) Your Lordship.Vere de Vers.
What's the matter with you?Mr. Nemesis.
(Confused.) I have a cold, a very bad cold, (He sniffs, blows his nose violently on a large red hankerchief, and sneezes.Mr. Tight.
(Solicitously) It is a bad cold.Mr. Mash.
And what is your name, my little girl?Mr. Nemesis.
My name is Superfluous.Vere de Vere.
And a very nice name too. Sue Perfluous, eh?Mr. Sausage.
Will you sing us something Sue? Something wanton?Mr. Nemesis.
(Looking him over scornfully) Yes - there's something wantin' alright.
The cave man did not falter, Etc.Mr Sausage.
Well sung, my little girl, well sung.Mr. Nemesis.
Thank You kind sir.Vere de Vere.
You will not find us like your man, Miss Perfluous. Here men are men.Mr. Mash.
But please let us introduce You to the other ladies attached to this establishment. Mr. Tight, would you fetch them? (Mr. Tight exits left)Mr. Flee.
(Looking at Mr. Nemesis suspiciously) Miss Perfluous has a beard.Mr. Nemesis.
So would you if you hadn't shaved for two days.Mr. Flee.
Logic seems alright, but there must be a flaw somewhere.
(Mr Tight comes running in left.)Mr. Sausage.
Why Chimp - what's the matter?Mr. Tight.
Oh, its awful - awful.Mr. Mash.
What's awful? Have you looked in the mirror orpage break Mr. Tight.
Its. It's the women - something's happened to them...Vere de Vere
Something happened to the women?Mr. Tight.
They've all gone funny.Mr. Mash.
(Ponderously) What exactly do you mean 'all Funny'?Mr Tight.
(Pointing right) Look!
(The Devil's Own led by Mrs. Beer enter right, They are all dressed in very drab and demure frocks, and are made up to bear a puritanical appearance, they might easily be taken for Salvation Army lassies, in ordinary clothes.)
Song Wite Chorus.
Our morals are high......Eve.
(The Politicians. join up in line between the Devil's own, brandishing their lilies rythmically, while the girls demurely and shyly peep at them.)
The Plutocrats And Devil's Own
For now you see For now we're pure Eve.
(As the dance concludes there is remoing noise as of gates crashing in, and the Executive and the Witches rush in left. Some of the Executive have swastikas sewn on their arms and others the Soviet hammer and sickle. They stop short as they see the amazing sight before them. Mr. Nemesis who has nob joined in the dance, has been watching it in a meditative fashion from the right.)Gilbert.
Gawd: They're all nuts.Rev. Scrounger
(To the others) You see? It's working. They can't understand us. They think we're nuts.Mr. Tight.
Uncle Sacking, you're a genius!Gilbert.
Well, what are we going to do with them?Egbert.
Down with the Plutocrate.Mr. Mash.
(Nervously) They sound rather vehement.Hubert.
Put [unclear: em] in the bottomless pit.page break Primrose.
Rend them limb form limb!Mr. Sausage.
(Doing finger wiggle and weeping) Dear me - I am becoming rather apprehensive.Albert.
Let's start a dictatorship!Herbert.
Let's get Mr. Nemesis back!Vere de Vere.
(Brandishing his lily) Do you think they see through our aesthetic disguise?Rev. Scrounger.
Of course not.Gilbert.
If only we had Mr. Nemesis here now!Mr. Nemesis.
(Whipping - off his dress and disclosing his red robes - and rushing over to left in front of the Executive) Mr. Nemesis is here now.Mr. Flee.
I thought there was something funny about that girl's beard.Mr. Nemesis.
Leave this to me. Hold them so that they can't get away.
(The members of the Executive sieze the Plutocrats. The Devil's Own shrink back stage, gazing open-mouthed at the proceedings.) Well boys, what shall we do with them?Gilbert.
Put them in dungarees and make them work in a sulphur mine".Primrose.
Annihilate them slowly and painfully.Egbert.
Immerse them in the Lake of fire.Mr. Sausage.
Spare me! We're so happy at home - Mr Sausage, Mrs. Sausage and all the little Cheerios.Mr. Mash.
If I die, put my ashes in the urns on the new Railway station.Mr. Nemesis.
No we'll be a little more subtle in our punishment, My business has been to hate the earth upstaires, and to do it all the harm I can. Now, what greater harm could I do it than to send these miserable creatures back there, to go on misguiding their kingdom?Gilbert.
Its a swell idea boss.Mr. Mash.
But - surely this is unnecessarily severe? What have we done?Mr. Nemesis.
You have created a worker who thinks he is your page break equail; [unclear: enstein's] monster, that worker has risen against you. I'm sending you upstaires, now, you and your ministers, all of you. You won't remember your little regime in Dulce Domum - it will all seem like a strange dream - and you'll go on - and on - and on - to your inevitable end! Au Revoir!
(Mr. Nemesis. steps back, and waves his hands melodramatically. There is a complete black out for five seconds. When the lights go up, the Executive are standing in the same attitude as they were when holding the Plutocrats, but the latter have vanished. Mr. Nemesis is sitting on the throne, which has appeared on top of the stairs again, and the Devil's Own are standing on the left. All raise their right arms in the Nazi salute. Daisy enters with Charon on his back, on one side of the throne.