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The Plutocrats [1937]

Scene II. Act II

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Scene II. Act II.

The curtain rises upon the same scene as in Act I, with the exception that the modern chairs are removed to the sides of the stage. The centre is taken up by a long low table, with an ornate table cloth, set with knives forks plates and empty dishes. Long forms are set at the back of the table, while one of the tubular chairs is placed at each end.

The Labour Ministers enter followed by Vere, Tight, Flee,

Scrounger, and Belly.

Sing Chorus. "The Romans at parties were constantly canned".

(Then Laurel and Hardy entrance tune is played, the curtains part, and Sausage and Mash are seen standing on the step.)

Chorus.

"All Hail, Oh, Mash!

(Sausage and Mash descend, and sit down in the chairs at each end of the table. The others sit on the form at the back of the table.

Sausage.

(Rising oratorically)

With all my heart I Welcome you.
To this - our Dulce Domum do.
Away with rules of etiquette!
Our banquet) will be very wet!

All.

Sit down. Sit down!

Sausage.

You do not like my eloquence?

All.

We don't:

Sausage.

All right boys, let the banquet commence.

(Sausage claps his hands. Nothing happens. Pause. Claps again Ministers commence to bang rythymically on the table with their forks.)

Sausage.

To thump like that's indelicate.
The banquet's just a little late.

Vere.

Our thirst can't stay long unsuppressed -
The boose appears to be "non est.

One of the Witches, Primrose, rushes In left and speaks to Sausage. She is dressed as a waitress in cap and apron.)

Sausage.

(To the others).

There seems to be some sort of hitch in
The inner workings of the kitchen.

Primrose.

The brewers, sir., refuse to pay
The statutory wages they
Are by your Acts compelled to pay.

Mash.

And so, my friends, I sadly fear
That we must go without our beer.

(A chorus of groans from around the table).

Sausage.

But where's our banquet, where's our treat?
What is there in the palce to eat?

page break Mash.

Oh, evil day! Remorse! Remorse!
I'm hungry as a blinking horse!

Primrose.

And comunnists are in the street,
Proclaiming with no little heat,
The politics of Marx.
The union lenders vacillate,
The fascists wildly agitate,
With mutinous remarks!

Sausage.

The situation's getting harder -
But - is there nothing in the larder?

Mash.

But - are we going to get no dinner?
I feel already somewhat thinner!

Primrose.

(Doubtfully)

I can procure you, for your feast
A dish that's relished in the East!

Mash.

Bring in this Oriental fare!

(Peeling stomach). I'm feeling very hollow there!

(Primrose exits left. Ministers rap rythmically several times on the table. Four witches with large covered china dishes, which they place at equal intervalls along the table. Then exit).

Vere.

At last! At last! some food to eat.

Flee.

What is this very welcome treat?

Sausage.

This food will be our staple diet -
The taste's acquired - please/try it! do

(Ministers lift the lids off the dishes).

Vere.

What is it ? Pipis, shark or shag?.

(Ministers remove from the dishes several large pieces of dirty rag and hold them aloft.)

Ministers.

(Slowly and expressively). No!

The odour of an oily rag!

(There is a sudden thunder clap: the stage darkens; and in a quick red flash Nemesis appears on the top step roaring with laughter.)

Quick Curtain.

End of Act II.