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Act 1

Scene: A. R. P. [unclear: Chelter]: Parliamentary Grounds.

Old King Coal, with hat and binoculers surveying empty bottles.

Old King Coal (Sings): "There was beer, beer," etc.

(Looks mournfully around through [unclear: binoculairs]). What [unclear: a life]. - Why it isn't a life - it's a living death. [unclear: No beer, no of thos and] patrial ban on racing. But there's one thing - [unclear: we'eve plenty of] (Takes off Hat): I take off my hat to the miners. [unclear: The people are ing] so discontented Ministers don't dare to meet in Parliament [unclear: ho] we Hadn't had this private air-raid shelter built for Cabinet meetings most of us would have been hung, drawn and [unclear: quartered by now]. (Angry noise outside. Tomato hizzes by). Gosh. The [unclear: hooligans must] found a hole in the roof.

(Enter Flaslight Lazer): Lazer (horrified): What's the [unclear: meaning of these] bottles, Old King Cole?

Cole:

These bottles? They don't mean much.

Lazer:

Don't you realise that beer and racing [unclear: have been] ruin of our party?

Coal:

They might have been before the war, but you can't ruin anything on this beer. Why, this beer reminds me of love in a punt.

Lazer:

Love in a punt?

Coal:

Yes; very near water.

Lazer:

Well, you're a punter. You ought to know.

Coal:

Why are you looking so mournful, Flashlight? Don't let the country's miners get you down.

Lazer:

All is not well in the State of Noo Zealand, my dear friends. The dogs are barking.

Coal:

What are Lee and Barnard saying now?

Lazer:

It's not them; it's the people.

Coal:

The people?

Lazer:

They've been listening to the Rev. Muckrake. Besides, they object to our austerity campaign, and to 10 per cent plus [unclear: contract].

Coal:

-----and having no beer.

Lazer:

(sighs) Soon I shall not dare to appear in public without an armed guard. If only Alter Cash were here. He would tell [unclear: me how to] get out of this difficult situation.

Enter Bas HFUL Bob, gagged and bandaged with a Telegram.

Lazer:

Hullo, Bashful, what's the matter?

Bob:

(Gestures of anger).

Coal:

(pointing to Bob): That's an old gag, that one.

Lazer:

Look's as it he's been in the wars, too.

Coal:

That'll be the day.

Lazer:

Who's the telegram from, Bob?

(Bob hands telegram to Lazer).

Lazer:

Why, it's from my dear friend, Alter Cash. All the way from Greenland. He says (Reads) "Assets frozen. Best wishes. Hope to be home in 1955. Alter." A lot of use he is to the Cabinet.

Enter Mrs. Scowlit, in W. A. A. C. costume-

Mrs Scowlit:

(Bursting in): Oh, Flas hlight, please excuse me [unclear: bursting in] at a Cabinet meeting, but really this is extremely urgent. I don't know what to do. One of my Waa os has been found in a most compromising situation with an artillery officer at the [unclear: Waac at Miramer].

Lazer:

This is contrary to standing orders.

Mrs. Scowlit:

We can't take it lying down, can we?

Bob:

Obviously excited paws around, etc.

Lazer:

(Bit bored): Oh yes, yes, but this is only a minor matter.

Coal:

I takes off my hat to the miners. (Raises hat).

Mrs. Sc: What am I going to do. The women and sick of rationing and couponomising: I do hope that none of you will lose your seats. (Feels back of skirt for reassurance).

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page 2 Lazer:

I'll lose my portfolio.

Coal:

You're not going to do [unclear: away with port, too? Are you]

Enter Rev. Muckrake.:

Coal:

Ah, the friendly toad.

Bob (Angry gestures).

Lazer:

We want you. You're responsible for most of hour troubles You'll have to stop this woman in the strest session and help the Labour Party.

Rve. Muck:

Womenin the street session. What's not the Commercial Broadcasting Department. That's the to rine Department.

Enter Messenger with one arm. Messenger takes telegram from bag and hands it to Laz er. Exits.

Laz er:

(Opening telegram): Why, it's another telegram from Alter Cash, all the way from Patagonis. He says (Reads): "Have stripped the shirt off the last Patagonian. Best wishes. Alter." It seems that Alter Cash is doing well for himself, friends, while wire in the cactus.

All come to front of stage and sing to tune of "Row Ashamed I wash,"

We've touched them for their clothes,
What a hole we're in.
We've touched them for their hose,
What a hole we're in.
We've touched them for their hose,
Our women look like crows,
Oh gor-blimey what a hole we're in.

We've left them high and dry,
What a hole we're in.
For pre-wer beer they sigh,
What a hole we're in.
We've left them high and dry,
They're squeaking to the sky.
Oh gor-blimey, what a hole we're in.

At last the time has come,
what a hole we're in.
When something must be done,
What a hole we're in.
At last the time has come,
We've got to fight or run,
Oh gor-blimey what a hole we're in.

Lazer:

(Mournfully): What a hole we're in.

Coal:

(Looking round shelton). If you know of a better funk nole to it.

Enter Mess enger.

Lazer:

Some more helpful advice from Alter, I suppose. (Takes gram This time it's from Timbuctoo. He says: "Can't raise anything here Best wishes. Alter." (Exit Mess enger) If the Minister of Finance can't help us, who can? How can I continue to govern the country with no money and the people at my throat? What do you think we cught to do, Mrs Scowlitt?

Mrs Sc:

Speaking for the women, I think we should import another division of Marines.

Muck:

This one certainly needs a long rest.

Mrs Sc:

Hardly practicable. There aren't enough girls to go round now.

Muck:

But they certainly get round, don't they?

Lazer:

What about you, O.K. Coal. Hae you any ideas?

Coal:

I'll say. Back to the old beer. Bigger and better horse-racing

Muck:

What, more horses. My women in the street

Lazer:

You would. Now listen to me. Suppose we abolish the

Mrs Sc:

On behalf of the girls of Wellington I protest that [unclear: ing] of the blackout.

Lazer:

(Astonished): Good heavens, Hrs, don't you know Balmorality been abolished?

page 3 Muck:

I've got an idea. What about my society for Closer Relation with the Russians.

Coal:

I suggested that when the Russ ian Ballet was here.

Lazer:

What do you thing, Bashful?

Bob - (Lecherous gestures).

Lazer:

(Pompously): I have pondered this matter deeply. For many hours I have paced back and forth in my private A.R.P. shelter. I have consid ered the pros and the cons, the ins and the outs, the and the wherefores ----

Coal:

The wests and the dries - with time and a hals for the wets.

Lazer:

Certanly, time and a half for the wets. I wouldn't work on anything but union principles. And now pray let me continue. I have contemplated my er---subject from all angles. I am convinced there is only one solution. I've got the dinkum oil. I ----

(Enter Messenger) Don't say this is another telegram. (Messenger whispers in Lazer's ear). Noise of Aeroplane off - Enter Alter Cash with Baggage.

Lazer:

Gor-Blimey, It's Alter Himself. Where've you been all this time?

Cash:

I've just flown here from Hollywood.

Lazer:

Hollywood?

Cash:

Yes, I assisted in an election there.

Lazer:

An election?

Cash:

Yes, the 1943 Beauty Queen.

Lazer:

You've just arrived in time. We need your help. I am about to make an important announcement. Ladies and gentlemen, are you listening? I am going to hold an election. It'll take the minds of the people away from their troubles. It'll confuse 'em.

Coal:

Confucius him say, girl who is wall flower at dance [unclear: dandylion] sofa.

Lazer:

Tch, tch. Yes, we're going to have an election now.

All sing. Tune: Carrad's adaptation of Prairie Flower.

The population's getting rough,
They feel quite sure they've had enough.
If we wait too long they'll make it tough,
So let's hold elections.

The housewives league is getting sore,
Their sugar ration they can't draw.
They've got no fruit, not just one core,
So let's hold elections.

Each wife and sweetheart quite agrees,
We ought to oring from overseas,
The boys who sat them on their knees,
So let's hold elections.

On every side we hear them say,
That Labour's done and had its day;
We've got to show them we're O.K.
So let's hold elections.