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Carry on Phil [1960]

Act 1. Scene 2

Act 1. Scene 2.

We find ourselves first in the Offices at Trades Haul. The Boss Man. Mr. Hoffa. together with a couple of black-shirted hoods, is in residence. Our hero is brought in and Mr. Hoffa tries to persuade him to unionise his now famous professional football team. He points out the tremendous advantages accruing and many other benefits. In spite of all these wonderful things, Phil thinks it better, for the meantime anyway, to keep his boys out of the Union business. And on this somewhat despondent note he leaves Mr. Hoffa's den.

As Phil leaves, he is accosted by a couple of grey-flannel suit boys. They just happen to be representative of the United International Consolidated Corporation (with branches in every major city in the world—even London and New York).

page 4

Song

I was only two or three
When grandmother said this to me
When things go wrong just sing a song
How corny can you be

When I found myself in a certain street
And I thought that I'd have to admit defeat
Come on sonny
Play for money
Said this politician
Whom all agree it's plain to see
Nobody could wiser than

So

If your anchor starts in dragin'
Climb right up on to my band-waggon
I'll pass the football and tackle that winger like Jarden
Peter Jones
Bill and Don and Ian Clarke do.

If your concentration is way off
Kill your grandmother then take the day off
Watch that football
And heckle that referee
Watch those
Peter Jones
Bill and Don and Ian Clarke too

Hear that whistle
Line out scrum or even a try
Know that this'll
Make the western bankers cry

If you've reached the end of your tether
Go and watch them kicking that leather
Watch that football
Heckle that referee
Watch that
Peter Jones
Bill and Don and Ian Clarke too

If you think you're gonna go starkers
Head right off to Athletic Park as
We play football
Tackle that referee
Just like
Peter Jones
Bill and Don and Ian Clarke do

You've lost your money backing wrong horses
The only remedy left you of course is
Watch that football
Heckle that referee
Watch that
Peter Jones
Bill and Don and Ian Clarke too

People cheer us
Coz we play their favourite game
Can't get near us
We will set the world aflame.

Football pleases folk of all classes
It's the opiate of the masses
Watch that football
Heckle that referee
Watch that
Peter Jones
Bill and Don and Ian Clarke

Watch that Whineray
Peter Burke
Jarden
Watch that
Vollenhofen
Dannie Craven
Of the Boks
Bob Scott, Nepia
Sullivan and
Morrison, too.