The Nation

Never had it Like this

Last week the law in the persons of P.T.Y. Holmes and Knott Watson descended on back country sticksville of Kuri Puku Bay; accosted two of the local residents—namely Joe Hayseed and Dad Brown; third degreed the fact that all the locals were occupied in the Kuri Puku boozer. Lawmen's surprise visit being made on a Sunday they were upset—hauled the off-hours crowd out of the hostlery and took many names and addresses.

It's a typical day in Kuri Puku Bay,
We're typical blokes say "How would you be" every day."
First we pull the milk from the cow,
Then we slop the whey to the sow.
The milk's sent to the city
Although it's all gritty
We've a guaranteed price anyhow.
On Sunday we come to the boozer instead of pray.
Which needless to say is a typical day in Kuri Puku Bay.
Shut your traps you countrified hicks
Can't you see we're big city dicks
You can't just go choosing
Your own hours of boozing
We're bringing the law to the sticks.
Now give us your names and addresses—you'd better obey.
So we say in dismay it's no typical day in Kuri Puku Bay.

William Brown's the name I was gave
And he's my lover and slave.
The products amazing
From this strange Iiaison
We've trained him to answer to "Dave"
For Temptation's my middle name
And to Dave I'm staking my claim.
My fruitless pursuin
Ain't been my undoin'
He don't go for the feminine frame.
Although he's been tempted he's never been led astray

Which needless to say is a typical day in Kuri Puku Bay.
David Brown you ain't met.
The laughing stock of the town
He breaks out in a sweat whenever his girlfriend's around.
Like they said my name's David B.
And my I.Q is 73,
I'd rather get boozy
Than go out with Susie
Girls ain't my idea of a spree.
But there's more than one meaning when we say
We'll get in the hay.
Which leads us to say it's a typical day in Kuri Puku Bay.

Brown family plied P.T.Y. and Knott with local brewed gin (provisioned by Kuri Puku Constable Fred (Tawa Flat) Foote). Overcome by flavour and overproof qualities, of the ab-original grog, P.T.Y. and K. fast talked the sticksville mob that cinchwise it was marketwise in civilized centres and departed to connect with extensive ramifications for said marketing project.

Tawa Flat's daughter (Dave's multiple entity) Susie, decided she and Dave had a current potential for getting hitched.

A momentary set-back when Maori witch Kaiterangi, reminded them all of the curse involved in the ancient gin receipe.

Back in thirteen fifty-two
When Kupe came in his canoe
He brought a really potent brew Tapu, Tapu.
They use the stuff for every meeting tribal
And then pass out,
From knocking bark this highball
With rolling eyeball.

He had a secret recipe
Which, handed down each century
Eventually came to me.
Ch.: Tapu, Tapu.

The spirit of the Mountain top
More potent far than Malt or Hop
Who starts to drink it just can't stop.
Ch.: Tapu, Tapu.

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An old Tohunga told it me
But first swore me to secrecy
So will the mixture always be.
Ch.: Tapu, Tapu.

I'll not repeat his awful curse
It's written in Iambic verse
James K. Baxter could not do worse.
Ch.: Tapu, Tapu.

Whoever breaks the tapu spell
And tries the recipe to sell
Will die like any infidel.
Ch.: Tapu, Tapu.

If 'ere a great catastrophe
Impinge on our economy
Then sell the secret recipe.
Ch.: Tapu, Tapu.

However the catastrophe verse of the curse provided an out, and when Pony Express Postman brought the mail, the news in "Lies" convinced locals that the country was econ-omicwise, in a bad way. The Brown family was sent to Kittsburg to sell Taipo Gin.

Farewell to Kuri Puku Bay

Farewell Kuri Puku Bay,
Soon we must be on our way:
We know we're just hicks with lots to learn—
We'll come back to the sticks though with money to burn.
Now we're off to Windyville;
We'll be thinking of you 'till
We come riding down the hill,
Back to Kuri Puku Bay.

Farewell fellow citizens,
Here's until we meet again:
This Gin that we're selling is really the goods;
We'll steer the old Government clear out of the woods.
'Save the country is our aim:
They will make old Mum a Dame;
One things certain—we'll bring fame
Back to Kuri Puku Bay.

We'll be off at break of day.
Bear in mind tho' what we say:
Wherever we wander land, sea or foam.
We'll always remember there's no place like home.
Now the hour of parting nears—
But let's throw away our cares,
Soon we'll all be millionaires
Back in Kuri Puku Bay.