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Victoria University College. "Up the Poll" Extravaganza 1957.

Lyrics from the Show

page 5

Lyrics from the Show

The Stone Age Song

Chorus:
Yeah!
We're in the . . . Stone Age
We're in the . . . Stone Age
We're in the . . . Stone Age
But we've still got love, to keep away the cold.

Even now it's just the same and
A dame is still a dame and
A boy is a boy is a boy;
We might be kind of old-fashioned
But when we're impassioned
We know how to get antediluvian joy.

Hey somebody pass me some raw brontosaurus!
But that stuff ain't no good!
Hey somebody pass me some raw pterodactyl!
But that stuff ain't no good!

Raw brontosaurus
No good!
Raw pterodactyl
No good!
Raw—no!
Hot—yes!
Yum yum yum
Yes yes yes!
Come on, you men, get hep!
We've still got love to keep away the cold.
We've still got love
To keep
Away
The cold!
Fssssss!
Yeah!

The Things that are done by a God

Gods:
Oh the things that are done by a god
Are famed in song and story;
We love a fight and we take delight
In anything that's gory.
When we play games that are ecumenical,
Some of the girls get quite hysterical;
All the things, the bad bad things
That are done by a well-bred god.
Poor Helen of Troy, so people say,
She did things hard the Trojan way;
Now she's here with all her forces,
And of course is backing horses.
Foster Dulles cutting a caper's
Funnier than the comic papers;
Look at the way he'll rant and thunder,
Making a duner-headed blunder.
Oh, the things that are done by a god,
You'd think that we ought to know better.
If you want applause for starting wars,
Just drop us a little letter;
Helping Molotov just for the hell of it,
Blocking Suez just for the smell of it.
Oh, the things, the bad bad things
That are done by a well-bred god.

Venus, The First of the Flirts

Venus:
Oh, they say that Eve long long ago
Discovered Cupid had a bow.
Adam came along,
She needed a guide,
And so she naturally took
And tore a leaf out of my book.
She knew that I would have the gen
When it comes to men,
On me she relied.

Please don't believe
It was Eve,
What would she have achieved
Without Venus the first of the Flirts?
Every crocodile
By the Nile
Knows that Cleopatra's guile
Goes right back to
The first of the flirts.

For a special date
A head on a plate
Satiated Salome.
Helena of Troy,
She got her boy,
But she had to say "Show me".
And then they nursed it, rehearsed it,
The drill for all skirts
That they got from
The first of the flirts.

The Gods' Farewell

Gods:
Roll out the big red carpet,
Each angel play his harp; it's
Time for us to depart below.

We're off to God's own country;
If we can work this stunt we'll
Turn the place back to front and upside down,
Paint the town
Red!

Oh, we just couldn't feel greater,
We're not going to stay,
'Bye for now, see you later,
We're on our way.

We can't stay here any longer,
We've all got to scram,
'Bye for now, see you later,
We're on the 1am.

'Bye, Aphrodite,
Hot little chick!
Kid, in that nightie,
You make us already feel home-sick!

Gods, lesser and greater,
Stay right where you are,
'Bye for now, see you later,
And au revoir.
Just au revoir.

page 6

Charladies' Chorus

Chars:
We're the Government service chars,
Not like those bureaucratic tzars,
In all those Chrysler cars,
Oh wouldernit be loverly.

Everything that they have to do
Is put to one side and left to stoo
If only we could too,
Oh wouldernit be loverly.

It's so loverly getting
Oh so comper-leterly tight
When we get back to our
Reg'lar bottle o' gin each night.

We pay our subs to the P.S.A.,
They have promised us equal pay.
Lor! That will be the day.
Oh wouldernit be luvverly.

Ancient clerks with their ancient wiles,
Miles of red tape and missing files,
To think they rule these isles—
Oh wouldnernit be luvverly.

Everything is immersed in dust,
While the matter is just discussed;
If only it was usst,
Oh wouldnernit be luvverly.

Oh so luvverly sitting
Abs-bloomin'-lutely still
We won't budge until
We get our cuppa morning swill.

We will show how to run the land
When us chars get the upper hand
We'll do it simply grand,
Oh wouldernit be luverly.

Bachelors Beware

Typistes:
We are typistes waiting to be wed,
In an office vegetating.
Though we never see to get ahead,
We're ready and we're waiting.
We know how to quote,
We know how to space,
We know when to place
A punctuation mark.
We know how to cite,
We know how to write,
And also we know
When we're dictated to.
The proper margin for a certain type,
We are typistes waiting to be wed.

We all want to state
We know how to spell
And how to punctuate,
We know that a verb
Is what you conjugate
And also we find

That propositions are
Supposed to be declined.
It's to prove that there's truth in what we said,
We are typistes waiting to be wed.

Candy's Cantata

Candy:
When I was young, like other fools,
I went to one of Beeby's schools,
I didn't have to work, I'm glad to say,
They only taught me how to play.
I sat for exams but I never got a pass,
I always finished at the bottom of the class.

At school our teachers never taught us
Not to covet our neighbour's daughters,
They gave us all the simple facts
Of birds and bees and income tax.
So I spent my time in forging cheques
And carrying out research upon the opposite sex.

With happy smiles from all the staff,
I left the school at twenty and a half,
I gave up fags and climbing trees,
And now I had to cover up my knobbly knees.
As momentoes of my school career,
I pinched the master's table and a dozen of beer.

As years went by I tried to find
Employment of an easy kind,
At milking goats I came superior,
But began to suffer badly from a dented posterior.
I left the job without a quid,
For there ain't no bloomin' future for a dead-end kid.

My last job was in Woolworths stores
At Christmas time as Santa Claus,
But then worst luck I had to leave,
I swallowed half the whiskers and I couldn't breave.
I am an awful stupid slob,
I was obviously intended for a government job.

And so to Lunch

Office Staff:
I'm free at last, I'm on my way,
It's twelve o'clock, I can't delay,
Don't talk to me, it's time to eat,
Feeding makes my life complete.

Our lives with peace we all surround,
And steep ourselves in thought profound,
We make your pound go round and round,
To help to keep the country sound.

We start our jobs at eight each day,
Then sleep to pass the time away,
And only wake to draw out pay,
Excuse us now, we're on our way.
It's 12 o'clock, it's 12 o'clock,
And this is what we say:

page 7

Cheerio ho, cheerio ho (etc.),
It's lunchtime,
We're all in a hurry, we've shopping to do,
You won't see us back till a quarter to two.
So cheerio ho (etc.).
If you want any aid, you're too late we're afraid.
It isn't as though we were busy, you know,
We work for the state and who cares if we're late,
At lunchtime, lunchtime, lunchtime.

We're the Civil Service, the laws preserve us,
We hope you realise.
You don't deserve us, you're here to serve us,
You mustn't criticise.
So, Cheerio ho, Cheerio ho, Cheerio ho,
It's lunch time (etc.).

Apollo Advises Candy

Apollo:
Keep your head up in the sky,
Always have an alibi,
Learn to tell a truthful lie,
You can't go very far wrong,
Make your speeches not too long,
Not too weak and not too strong,
Ready, steady, don't you see,
And, snap, you'll be an M.P.

It's easy to make an election speech,
If you'll only follow me,
It's easy to make an election speech
As it is to climb a tree.
It's easy to fill the simple bill
Of a man of mystery,
It's easy to make an election speech
If you try it after me.

Apollo Candy:
It's easy to be a real M.P.
When you know the things to say.
It's easy to run the Treasury,
If you'll only learn the way.
It's easy to spot a simple plot
Of a labourite or tory,
It's easy to be a real M.P.
If you string along with me.

Chorus:
It's easy to be the government
When you've got a Civil Service.
It's easy to sit in parliament
And you never need be nervous.
If you navigate the ship of state
Then we'll co-operate,
If only you'll form a cabinet,
From Sidney you'll preserve us.
From Sid, Sid, Sid . . .
From Sidney please preserve us.