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Victoria University College. Extravaganza. "The Seven Year Switch." June 4 - 9, 1956.

Act 1 — Sc. 1A Western Saloon

Act 1

Sc. 1[gap — ]A Western Saloon

I'm the Smartest

Sheriff Arnett
Oh the roughenest, toughenest, cussn'est Sheriff am I
I'm slicker on the licker than a digger when he's riding high
When I get dry start reach for your dough
Set' em up Joe, set 'em up Joe, set 'em up Joe.

I prime any crime worth a dime with the inside gen
And profit in the pocket when they cough it or
I clap 'em in the pen
There they can stay till I get my way
Yippee-i-ay, yippee-i-ay, yippee-i-ay!

When Rustlers rouse my spleen and I get keen
Know that I will getcha
That's unless you fetcha me the drink, Gink

I'm the rootenest tootenest lootenest outlaw crew
I'm hot as a shot and I pop 'em off fast'n you
This last on the draw
I get 'em for sure.

Chorus
Hell a bore! Hell what a bore! Hell what a bore!

Bemused, Backward and Befuddled

Sid—
I'm a fool and don't I know it
Sidney Holland is my name.
I'm a dope and don't I show it
Lacking mind and brain.
Failure is a new sensation
I've done pretty well I think
So this bloody revolution puts me on the brink.

I'm mild again
Beguiled again
A whimpering simpering child again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I

They're vaxed again,
Perplaxed again
They say that they're overtaxed again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered are they.
Lost support and I hate it
My mistake I agree
Offer help and I'll take it
Alas! the blame's on me.
I'll hate to see.
Them take from me
And replace the homburg that clings to me
Bewitched bothered and bewildered am I.

Sweet Fanny Arnett

Fanny
Oh, the gods made me wiry, made me firy and hot;
And my belly is strengthened with lead.
Give me rum and some whisky and I'll never get shot,
But sprout gin-soaked whiskers instead.

I'm sharp as a cactus,
In sin I don't need practice,
And I flirt like the Mae Wests do.
Strip right down to my girdle.
Convention ain't no hurdle—
I'm the Hot in the Heat of the West.

I lack social know-hows
The toothpaste, soap and towels,
And I ain't had a shower in years
Whiskey's my lubrication,
I won't need vacination.
I'm the Hot in the Heat of West.

I know all about them.
The rules and how to flout them
Alcohol and the facts of life.
Give me whisky and water
I'll not do what I oughta
I'm the Hot in the Heat of West.

Respectable Country

Chorus
Roll out the barrel
Lets have a barrel of rum,
Sing a rousing carol—
There's really no need to feel glum,
Whatever your apparel
From whatever country you come
Roll out the barrel
Lets have a barrel of rum.

Sheriff
None of this behaviour from now on. We are going to New Zealand—a respectable country.

Crook
Lets milk the moas
Lets drink the cup of stale beer
Dig the toheroas,
Slaughter the kaka and kea,
Do not let them show us
The lead in a drinkin's affray—
Lets milk the moas
And banish our trouble today.

New Zealand here we Come!

Sheriff
Where'm I goin' I don't know
Where'm I headin', I ain't certain
All I know is I am on my way,

When will we be there, we don't know
When will we get there, we ain't certain.
All we know is we are on our way.
Got a dream boy?
Got a song,
Grab your girlie
And come along!

Where'm we goin', we don't know
When will we get there, we ain't certain.
What will we get, we ain't equipped to say.
But who gives a dam' . . .
We're on our way!

page 6

—And don't Say we didn't Warn you

Yippy ay, as we go from the West,
Look-a-hoy, here we come, old N.Z.
Yippy ay, as we go from the West
Have some fun, with a gun, knock 'em dead.
Give them a quid, with our love to old Sid
Or a homburg for his head.
Till we meet once again "All the Best"
Yippy ay, as we go from the west!

A Song to End the Act

Sid and Chorus—
This film will save our country from a slump (From a slump, from a slump)
We're in the clear (no you're not, no you're not)
We'll have free beer (You'll get shot, you'll get shot)
Old N.Z. will be no more a lousy dump (a lousy dump, a lousy dump)

A land of milk and honey
Lots of money
L. S. D.
L. S. D.
Wow!
No more austerity
We'll have prosperity
Sufficient L. S. D.
For all our needs.
We'll build ourselves a paradise
God's own country will be nice
Hipoorah for New Zealand.