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Victoria College Capping Carnival. Thursday, June 27th, 1912

"Wumpty-Dumpty," or "The Classics Up-to-Date."

page 13

"Wumpty-Dumpty," or "The Classics Up-to-Date."

(A farcical extravaganza written and composed by the students of Victoria College.)

Opening Crorus.

Down the grey murky byways, the paths of the lost,
The halt and the pale-eyed, the blight and the frost
Sweep withered and hope-lorn, the prey of the tomb,
Down the chasm of night to the menace of doom.
Shrouded, clouded,
Cowering, lowering;
Legions soul-cankered, engulfed at the fall:
Scattered, shattered,
Groping, hoping:
Go ye among them and rift ye the pall.

Down the ebb of life's tide, in the ice-chill of hate,
To the dread, sullen threat of implacable fate
Flee the lost horde of Moloch, adrift to the last,
Pursued by the wrath of a desolate past.
Mournful, scornful,
Cowering, lowering,
Swept in the deeps of the gloomiest shroud;
Battered, shattered,
Groping, hoping:
Go ye among them and rift ye the cloud.

page 14

Act I.

The Political Débâcle.

Scene: The Witches Cavern, Tinakori Hills.

"Oh, what a fall was there, my countrymen,
Then you and I and all the rest of us
Fell down."

Witches' Song.

We are witches from the ditches
Of the world that lies below;
We are ladies come from Hades,
And to Hades back we go.

It's delightful! It's delightful!
On this earth once more to be.
I'm a land witch, I'm a sand witch,
I'm a witch that haunts the sea.

There be many kinds of witches,
Who appear in sundry guise;
There be witches who have riches,
There be those with dreamy eyes.

We advise you! We advise you!
If your peace of mind you prize,
Have a fear of and keep clear of
Those who use their dreamy eyes.

Oh, the times past, they were fast times,
And we perished at the stake,
But the present, most unpleasant,
Looks upon us as a fake.

It is lovely! It is lovely!
When the creeping flame one feels,
One remembers that one's embers
May be used for cooking meals.

You have read of what was said of
That once gay and giddy spark,
Who was feted, then cremated,
We refer to Joan of Arc.

page 15

It is splendid! It is splendid!
When one seeks an honoured niche,
To be blighted and then lighted
As a very wicked witch.

And they frightened unenlightened
Little children with such tales,
As that if they stayed in bed long,
We should turn them into snails.

It was glorious! It was glorious!
When the vengeance that one wreaks
Well-intentioned persons mentioned,
It was met with awful shrieks.

"Double, double, toil and trouble,"
Let it thunder, let it rain,
"Fire burn and cauldron bubble,
When shall we three meet again?"

That is Shakespeare! That is Shakespeare!
He is dead and in his shroud.
Why should three meet? Does it seem meet?
Two's enough, and three's a crowd.

It is charming! It is charming!
Thus to skip and hop and run,
But the stitches in these witches
Are acoming all undone.

Thus and so on we could go on
Into verses half a score,
But the audience look so bored, hence
We wont sing them any more.

The Standard Insurance is O purely New Zealand concern, therefore support it. Office Featherston Street, behind Kirkcaldie and Stains. Tel. 186.

page 17


Capping Songs

Lacrimaeque Decorae.

When the mist's dishevelled tresses
On the hills are scattered free;
Across the white-fringed spaces
Slide the long winds gustily.
No thought for your sweet complexions.
That sun-tanned tale aside,
There are forts to he defended
On the harbour's further side.

Ghosts of College hockey girls,
Unappreciated pearls,
We can see all that we owe you,
And belated homage pay.
Ghosts of College hockey girls,
Deem us not unthinking churls,
For we're lone and sad without you
On the "Duchess" for the Bay.

We will miss the clam'rous concert
And the banter backward thrown,
To sing to the alien foolish
The songs that we call our own.
And we'll gloom at the crooked waters,
And scowl at the shiv'ring screw.
Come ye back, ye splendid playmates,
Fly the Gold and Green anew!

Runs a whisper on the wave-tops,
The waiting ranges moan,
False are our summer fancies
As we take the trail alone.
Lure O' the desperate rally,
The hot shot driven true,
Fail when the full street's glamour
Has taken her tithe of you.

page break


Thursday, June 27th, 8 p.m.

Town Hall

"Then warder, hey warder, pray strike up the band."

1. College Songs—
(a.)The Song of Victoria College (p. 3)
(b.)Gaudeamus (p. 4)

"It's pretty, but is it art?"—Kipling.

2. Violin Solo Miss Hobie

3. Glees—
(b.)Slumber Song

4. Song Leparello's Song from Don Giovanni (Mozart) Alic Boeufvé

5. Capping Songs—

Go to Coll

(Usually spelt with an h-e-.)


I Wonder

(So do I!)

6. Song Miss Tennent

7. Glee To the Death

"Just so; yours till hell freezes."

8. Song The Lute-player W. Goudie.

9. Cappings Songs—-
(a.)The Sorrows of Virtue

Here endeth the first part of the Programme.

Capping Song. "Vagaries," will be sung during the interval, but don't bet on the pronunciation of it.


W. H. Stainton.


Miss Harper.

page break

"Wumpty - Dumpty" Or "The Classics Up-to-Date."

Opening Chorus (page 13)

Act I. Witches' Song (page 14) C. Gamble and Chorus Interval. Capping Songs—
  • "Lachrymae" (page 17)
  • "A Protest" (page 21)
  • "Absent Friends" (page 22)

Act II, Song "The Troubles of a Virtuous Youth" (page 24)

B. Egley

"The Mayor" (page 25)

W. Goudie

Interval. Capping Songs—
  • "Suprema a Situ" (page 27)
  • "To-morrow" (page 28)
  • "Sports Chorus" (page 30)

Act III. "Devil's Chorus" (page 33)

Song. "Satan's Reminiscences" (page 34)

D. E. C. Mackay

Final Chorus (page 35)

The Argument.

  • Act I.—The Political Débâcle. Relating how a certain aspirant for Prime Ministerial laurels in March last visited the Witches' Cavern, bribed them to reveal the new Premier, and to conjure up the caucus met to select the Cabinet, and relating how they waxed merry over his shattered ambitions.
  • Act II.—Irving's Waterloo. (An entirely distinct act.)
    • Scene 1.: Irving's dream, the night before the elocutionary contest, 1912 The bribing of the judge.
    • Scene 2: The meeting of the N.Z.. Competitions Society, 1912, showing how certain citizens participated, each after his own style, and the judge gave a startling and original judgment, showing" also how world-famed celebrities may yet fall before the powers of our own local talent.
  • Act III.—The Fall from Grace. Being a revival of the [unclear: ar-ient] Greek conception of Hades, showing how the characters in the previous acts would fare at the hands of the Grecian shades, and showing also how Hades itself came to fall into oblivion. Being further a delineation of what might possibly ensue were one of the Gymnasium rules not in force.
    • Gymnasium Rule. No. 25: No women students shall be allowed in the Gymnasium after 5 p.m.
    • Query: Do the professors think that some such scene as herein depicted might possibly take place if the rule were not in existence?
page 20

"Wumpty=Dumpty," or "The Classics Up=to=Date."

A farcical, political, extravanganzical, fantastical, topical, nonsensical and calculated-to-tical play evolved round the central theme of "The Fall," being a parody of Shakespeare, Milton, Erckmann-Chatrain, etc., etc.

Perpetrators: P. B. Broad, A. G. Brockett, A. E. Caddick, G. M. Cleghorn, S. Eichelbaum, and F. Hall-Jones.

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
And all the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again."

—Milton's "Paradise Lost."

Cast of Characters:

Act I.—The Political Débâcle.

Scene: Witches' Cavern, Tinakori Hills.

Time Just before the selection of the new Premier, March, 1912.

Witch Alpha C. Gamble
Witch Beta A. T. Duncan
Witch Gamma Evans
Sirjoe (Bart.) E. Mackersey
Tam Mackenzie A. B. Sievwright
J. A. Miller F. G. Hall-Jones

Politicians, Political Parties, Press, People, Proletariate, and Parsons (perhaps).

Act II.—Irving's Waterloo.

Scene 1: Irving's rooms at "The Grand," the night before the competitions.

Scene 2: The N.Z.. Competitions Society's Meeting, 1912.

H. B. Irving P. B. Broad
C. B. Neighertz A. E. Caddick
J. J. South E. Egley
Professor H. Mackenzie A.B. Sievwright
David McLaren W. Goudie
James Dykes E. Mackersey

Act III.—"The Fall from Grace."

The Descent into Avernus, adapted from the classics, Facilis descensus averni.—(Vigil.)

Satan E. Mackersey
Nicquedemus C. Gamble
Norwood (Mesmerist) A. T. Duncan
Mephisto 'Evans

And the characters of Acts I. and II.

Accompanists: Miss Caddick And W. H. Stainton.

Scenic Artist: Mrs. Hannah.

Stage Managers: F. G. Hall-Jones, A. E. Caddick.

page 21

A Protest

We've half a Coll, and half a staff,
And half a libraree;
Both underpaid and understaffed,
And underbuilt are we.

The plutocrat of Wellington
Is canny as can be-e-,
He never tries to subsidise
Our Universitee.

In other countries everywhere,
The rich men of the nation
Bequeath whatever they have to spare
To help on education.

The German and the Englishman,
The Chinaman and Yankee,
Is always proud to have endowed
His Universitee.

The donors gain immortal fame,
The nation gains the scholars;
Our plutocrats could do the same
For sev'ral hundred dollars.

If you whose bount y we implore
Can no advantage see
In giving for esprit de corps,
Do it for policee.

page 22

Absent Friends.

When their days are done and their course is run
In the lecture-rooms and hallways,
Where the great ships go and the wild winds blow,
Do they pass and scatter all ways.
To the gleaming feast of the lurid East,
As described by Mr. Kipling;
In their endless quest through the wakeful West,
Go the strong man and the stripling.

In the wild and woolly places,
Where the strangest tales are told,
You will find their friendly faces,
And perhaps the Green and Gold.
One may be a bloated banker,
Or a chap with naught to spend,
So he be from Salamanca,
He is just an Absent Friend.

In the sox and ties which their fancy buys
At the latest fancy prices,
By the classic groves and the shaded coves
Of the gently flowing Isis;
To the ripples' plash and the feathered flash,
With their muscles all aquiver,
To the call from shore of "Just one stave more,"
They are swinging down the river.

You will find them living highly,
Like the old Olympian gods;
You will find them hiding shyly
In the various countries' quods.
One may be a bloated banker,
Or a chap with naught to spend,
So he be from Salamanca,
He is just an Absent Friend.

Or the hand of Fate through the Golden Gate
May direct them in their roaming,
Where the buffalos snort when they're pinked for sport
On the prairies of Wyoming.
Or where red deer spoors lie on Highland moors,
Is the "Sapientia Magis"
Still an honoured toast and a glorious boast
As they sit beside the haggis.

page 23

You will see them come astrolling
In some unsuspected land,
As you watch the ships acoaling
By a queer old foreign strand.
One may be a bloated banker,
Or a chap with naught to spend,
So he be from Salamanca,
He is just an Absent Friend.

When their backs are bent and their strength is spent,
And their heads have no more hair on,
In a few brief ticks they will reach the Styx
And the jetty owned by Charon.
With the heroes bold of the days of old
You will find them intermingling;
If you stroll that way on a holiday
It will set your ears atingling.

When you hear familiar laughter,
And the same old student songs
That were hurled from roof and rafter,
In the days where youth belongs.
Be it shade of bloated banker,
Or of chap with naught to spend,
So it come from Salamanca,
It is just an Absent Friend.

Students are Requested to Support Our Advertisers. By Doing So You Help Us.

page 24

Act II.

Scene 1: Irving's Dream.

Scent 2: The Competitions.

The Troubles of a Virtuous Youth.

I'm a virtuous man, I am indeed,
And above suspicion,
I warn men (though they never heed)
Of black perdition;
I censor posters of all the plays,
And write to the daily press
To "Ward" the public against the ways
Of the actor and gay actress.

I'm a very saintly man,
And I try as best I can
To protect the people's minds from pictures vicious.
Oh! the picture shows I'd have
Would delight His Worship Dave,
For they'd never be one little bit suspicious.

I love all actor men, I do,
In a way quixotic;
But drink, the curse, must surely go,
That vile narcotic.
And yet my voice is vainly heard.
Men go their own sweet way.
They say I'm really most absurd,
And trip to Lyall Bay.

I'm a very clever man,
And I've got a splendid plan;
Under which New Zealand shall be good and beerless;
Girls from Rectors I would: ban,
Every post-card I would scan,
As the Ruler of Utopia, grand and peerless.

The Standard Insurance is a purely New Zealand concern, therefore support it. Office Featherston street, behind Kirkcaldie and Stains. Tel.. 186.

page 25

The Song of the Victor.

Sirs, your toast, a glorious welcome claiming,
I don the Robes in Mayoral pomp to-day;
All my supporters poor Smith is blaming,
Wright is saddened, Biss is maddened at my fine array.
Oh, what cunning! Oh, what strokes of cunning
I made throughout the fearful fray!
Once Newman beat me (he'd motors running),
But I've turned the tables on my foes this polling day.
Last December I was rejected, for the voters calmly turned me down,
But 'tis now I am once more respected,
I'm the ruler of this blessed town:
Look out! Beware! For Dave is Mayor! Ah!

Now I am Mayor, I am free from every care,
Socialist scare, Tramway Night-mare.
I did not try to poll so very high,
Biss captured Smith's Wright-ful vote,
While I stood so shyly by, with modest air,
O'er them in joy to gloat.

Now I'm in, I'll revolutionise; yes, I'll revolutionise the, City's management,
No more shall Hindmarsh call Smith such [unclear: horrid] names;
No more strikes, and no more trudging into the City.
Only wait till I present you with my great municipal newspaper daily,
For I will socialise all private enterprise.
All the City picture-dens shall change at my command,
And in the Park the Territorials go marching past as I stand by in state.
See them gaze upon my Mayoral carriage,
One of three allowed to pass the Gate.
Look out! Beware! For change prepare! Ah!

Hey, for the Mayor. Of McLaren now beware,
Fuller's and West's must take very great care.
I will a splendid censorship devise,
Councils alone shall be shown,
Then I'll be before all eyes.
(Won't Semple swear!)
I've gained the longed-for prize,
I am the Mayor (three hundred a Year),
I'm there, I'm. Mayor!

page 27


Capping Songs.

Suprema a Situ.

Oh! you may have heard before
Of a certain windy mound,
With the houses perched on cliffs
On the minimum of ground;
Where the streetways are so wide
Two can walk them side by side,
It's the first and foremost city in New Zealand,
Free land, Zealand!
It's the first and foremost city in New Zealand.

The Empire City see
Upon the hills beside the sea,
Though you search you cannot get a
City site that's any better
Than the site on Lambton Quay.
No Christchurch plains for me,
The ocean's wave I love to see;
Though Auckland may be Eden,
And Paradise Dunedin,
Yet Wellington will do for me.

O! the mob that there abide,
Cosmopolitan they are;
Though they nearly all are Chows,
Or are members of the Bar,
Though they lost their Lead in Art,
Baillie's boosting up the mart.
They're the first and foremost people in New Zealand,
Free land, Zealand!
They're the first and foremost people in New Zealand.
The Empire City see, &c.:

In the month of April last
They got Labour in for Mayor,
And though Biss was Wright for votes,
His lop-sided ways were clear.
Oh! the leading lights so shine
That the natives all opine
It's the first and foremost city in New Zealand,
Free land, Zealand!
It's the first and foremost city in New Zealand.
The Empire City see, &c.:

page 28

Undergraduates we are
Still swatting for Degree;
We let no trifles worry us,.
We may get through—to-morrow.

To-morrow! To-morrow!
We may get through to-morrow.
When all the Profs, are pensioned off
We may get through—to-morrow.

V.C. has a football team
(Oh, let us shed a tear!),
And their chief aim in life is this:
To win a match—to-morrow.

To-morrow! To-morrow!
To win a match to-morrow;
And though it may be by default,
They'll win a match—to-morrow.

College men are asking for
A better Common Room;
The Council blandly promise them
It shall be theirs-—to-morrow.

To-morrow! To-morrow!
It shall be theirs to-morrow.
The room the women use to-day
Shall be the men's—to-morrow.

The Heretics have formed a Club
(No! No! You must not smile!),
Just read the list of officers,
And see the joke—to-morrow.

To-morrow! To-morrow!
You'll see the joke to-morrow.
Such "martyrs" in a noble cause
Will see the stake to-morrow.

All Workers should be covered against Accident by Employers. Call and see the Standard Insurance, Featherston Street, behind Kirkcaldie and Stains, about it. Tel. 186.

page 29

While Tramway men went out on strike
The City Council smiled,
But when the strikers asked for terms,
The Council said "To-morrow."

To-morrow! To-morrow!
The Council said "To-morrow.
The one-horse 'bus will suit us Well,
We'll settle terms—to-morrow."

Massey and McKenzie fight,
And imprecations hurl;
Meanwhile the public wonders if
They'll do some work to-morrow.

To-morrow! To-morrow!
They'll do some work to-morrow.
When they are tired of touring trips,
They'll do some work—to-morrow!

page 30
Sports Chorus.

"Oh, for a beaker full of the warm south.!"

When air's like wine in sunny weather,
And the breeze blows cobwebs from the brains;
When Latin's folly, Law's a tether,
And the blood goes dancing through the veins,
Then hey! for where your fancy races,
Away from the city's stifling grip,
To the playing fields and open places—
And let the world of toilers slip!
Then here's to the long white road that beckons,
The climb that baffles, the risk that nerves;
And here's to the merry heart that reckons
The rough with the smooth, and never swerves!

Be it hockey stick, or oval leather,
Or skiff, or racquet, rod or gun,
Here's luck! for the sport we've had together,
For chances lost and battles won;
For the wicket true, and field in fettle,
And the man who's safe for a tingling catch;
For the losing team that shows its mettle,
And the man who wins his heat from scratch.
Then here's to the sportman's road that beckons,
The climb that baffles, the risk that nerves;
And here's to the merry heart that reckons
The rough with the smooth, and never swerves!

page 33

Act III.

The Fall from Grace.

Devils' Chorus.

Chorus: Toorilooriloo, toorilooriladdy.
Satan: Make him rue his sins,
Pop him in the furnace.
(Then a man begins
To feel he's in Avernus.)
Teach him how to cook,
Make him join our revels,—
Lots of fun at last
For black and shiny devils.

Nick: Place for frying souls,
Do 'em by the drayload;
That's the reason why
None of us are haloed.
Here is certain proof
We are pals of Pluto's:
(Drat this cloven hoof!
It's hard to walk on two toes!)

Satan: Mephistopheles
Always was a warm 'un.
I am here because
I became a Mormon.
Gave me quite a start,
Coming down to Hades:
Nearly broke my heart
Parting from the ladies.

Nick: Do you see the Frog?
One of the Port Charmers,
But he looks his best
When he's in pyjamas.*
Watch and see him smile.
I would give a tenner
To have him on the rack
Frying in Gehenna.

page 34

Satan: We will never have
Such a roasting time at
Any other place
Or any other climate.
But time is flying fast
(Can't you hear it tickin'?),
So give our kind regards
To Professor Picken.

Satan's Reminiscences.

"Gymnasium rule No. 18: No women students are allowed in the gymnasium after 5 p.m."

"Do the professors fear the happening of some scene such as is depicted?"

Kind friends beware the silken mare
Beset with subtle scheming;
With crime and bloodshed everywhere,
And here and there blaspheming.
Ourselves we made our chief delight
The moral code perverting;
In fact, you see us here to-night
For flirting, flirting, flirting!

Nine days we fell,—on awkward fall
Through fathomless abysses;
It seemed a shame to come at all
For merely stealing kisses.
I suffer still from nervous shock,—
It's somewhat disconcerting
To catch it hot—like Amy Bock,
For flirting, flirting, flirting!

One man prefers to beat his wife,
Another hatches treasons;
My friends are here for taking life
And other paltry reasons.
Above I shocked my maiden aunts,
And found it most diverting:—
I don't suppose they had the chance
Of flirting, flirting, flirting!

page 35

I think I fairly earned my fate,
For when I could I kissed, 'em:
Though do not seek to emulate
My fascinating system.
But if you do, my last advice
Admits no controverting,
Variety is very nice
In flirting, flirting, flirting!

Final Chorus.

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot."

Just one stave more and the song is done—
A stave for the olden time:
One age has passed, and the age to come
Is the age of the golden prime!
So praise we men who have passed away,
Who hold to a legend bold—
Whatever a sordid world may say,
Wisdom is more than gold!

So when we are singing of College,
Singing the songs of old,
Think of the past,
Hold to the last,
That it's wisdom that's more than gold!

For this is the burden of the world,
Which it speaketh day by day,
Though many a worldly lip be curled
With a sneer that it does not pay;
Tn our cars is the voice of a Mammon age,
In our hearts is a tale that's old,
The tale of our garnered heritage—
The Wisdom that's more than gold!

* A new style of frock coat.