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Victoria College Students' Carnival. Thursday 29th June 1905

"Spikes."

page 17

"Spikes."

Of 'Varsity anomalies an undergrad, endures,
We've got a little list, we've got a little list,
And intend to treat the patients with some mustard plaster cures!
Au role philanthropist—and the "fatals" won't be missed!
There's the prof. who models all his prose on bashful Cicero,
And who thinks it's not conceivable the other Johnnies know;
And the prof. who makes your dinner cold by lecturing ad lib;
And the student who is always there and scrapes a scratchy nib,
And the chap who knows you crib his notes, and writes an awful fist;
It's a cert they won't be missed, it's a cert they won't be missed.

Chorus:
We've got 'em on the list, we've got them on the list,
It's a cert. they won't be missed, its a cert they won't be missed.

There's the charming lady-student who thinks hockey not genteel;
She's down upon the list, she's down upon the list.
Those to whom all sport is wormwood and scrum does not appeal,
We don't think they'll be missed, we're sure they won't be missed.
There's the sort who's always bilious, and who swots on Saturdays,
When you ask him to oblige you he's not quite sure if he plays;
And the tribe who break appointments, and who "do" you for the court,
And who miss the train and ferry when they know the team is short,
And then on explanations and excuses will insist,
It's a cert they won't be missed, it's a cert they won't be missed.

Chorus:
We've got 'em on the list, we've got 'em on the list,
Ten to one they won't be missed, ten to one they won't be missed.

All Dutch-built, tipped, and tired, discontented janitors—
You bet they're on the list, you bet they're on the list!
Who plump for "early closing" and who promptly lock the doors,
What a lark if they are missed, what a lark if they are missed!
All fellows who bleat loudly, and who don't speak loud enough,
And the toney chaps with collars, and the same with lots of cuff,
And the kind that sotto voce dub their own prose "pretty fair,"
And the chump who, when you're listening, interrupts with "full-point there"
And the wearies who invariably in coming late insist:—
It's a cert they won't be missed, it's a cert they won't be missed.

Chorus:
They are ticked off on the list, they are ticked off on the list,
Any odds they won't be missed, any odds they won't be missed.

page 18

There's the kid just fresh from college, who attempts to pile on frill,
He's another on the list, he's another on the list.
And we've squared the prof. to mark him, so he's bound to come a spill,
He's the sort that won't be missed, he's the sort that won't be missed,
There's the man who innocently beats you for a libr'ry book,
And the man who wants subscriptions, on the watch for whom to rook.
We'll try glue, and mustard plaster, pepper, filings, Indian ink,
And all compounds of which our altruistic brains can think:
All the num'rous knarks and nuisances in curing we'll persist,
Au role philanthropist, au role philanthropist.

Chorus:
All num'rous knarks and nuisances in curing we'll persist,
Au role philanthropist, au role philanthropist.

Final Chorus:
For we've got 'em on the list, we've got 'em on the list,
It's a cert, they won't be missed, it's a cert they won't be missed.

"O heaven, that such companions thou'ldst unfold!" —Othello.