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Sport 40: 2012
The Trialist
The Trialist
He’s introduced as Jimmy, and so we call him
Sheep. A doe-eyed, jumped-up hopeful from
a failed, woolly colony, he’s here on
a month’s trial. I’ve seen so many come
and go
dreaming of Ronaldinho. He hasn’t a shit show.
Who of his countrymen have made a go
of the Premier League? Lord Nelsen
captained Blackburn,
but he’s a defender—has mastered the art of getting in
the way—this lamb fancies his name on
the score sheet. First practice,
we shut him down, the tackles less and less
forgiving, until he asks what gives, says he’s
on our side. Is he thick? His bleat receives
my back, but Big Rob’s in his ear:
‘Ah don’t care who ya’re or where
ya from, ya not coming here
an’ takin’ ma job. Do ah make masalf clear?’
So it goes for three grim weeks. But it must be Year
of the Ram. Injury, suspension and a career-
ending ‘off-field incident’ take their
toll, and, come Saturday, the Governor
has him on the bench. It’s nil–nil
halfway through the second spell
when the Gov gambles on a double
change, pushing for the win, the critical
three points dangling before him like a snare.
Then, a wrong foot: Big Rob—heart of steel, head of air—
collects a second yellow in a rash attempt at flair.
The Gov avoids the Chairman’s stare.
A mad re-shuffle and the sheep shagger is on
—alone up front where he can do least harm.
We hardly even yell at him,
ignoring his distant, waving arm,
his incisive runs to nowhere,
instead turning the ball back or square.
Twice I delay a pass to where
he madly gestures
so he’s caught off-side. See, that’s precisely why
you’ll never pull a wage in this league, sonny.
Then sod me
if he doesn’t score a beauty.
Gets on to a nothing ball, skips past
his man and bangs it in . . . to our collective gasp.
After that, some passes start
to find him. I even offer up a smart
one-two. When the final whistle goes
I’m at his side for photos,
helping him acknowledge the applause
and negotiate the post-match media whores.
‘The team dug deep today,’ I say. ‘The Gov’s punt
paid off. It was tough for Jim alone up front,
but we were always in the hunt,
and he latched onto a chance and made it count.
He’s a good lad, with a great turn of speed.
The boys’ve rallied round to help him find his feet
and they’ll make sure he keeps
them on the ground this coming week.’