Sport 27: Spring 2001
Friday
Friday
Poverty n. 1. state of resourcefulness induced by need
Chair n. polished wood, brass tacks and leather; device used to keep ass both off floor and out of hot water
Scratch n. 1. unsightly feature rendering chair unfit for use
Curbside n. 1. magical place for making the unseemly (see scratch 1) disappear
Scratch n. 2. is that all? no borer? no mould? no catpiss?
Curbside n. 2. magical location where treasures appear with little more than a scratch
Mine adj. these two chairs on the curbside
Bicycle n. 1. that which is parked just down the road—2. that which I am going to get this instant
Poverty n. 2. in China they put two fridges on a bicycle, so I can certainly fit two chairs
Points n. pl. measures of favour gained by making a good impression on Friday
Score (points) v. to impress by offering chairs rather than floor to sit on
Friday n. 1. the day God created curves—n. 2. the day she will breathe in my living room, touch my fork, and sweet Lord Jesus willing, tell me her favourite movie and the name of her dog when she was little
Standards n. pl. level of expectations acquired through one's family living environment page 134
Bumper stickers n. pl. insignia such as Greenpeace, Free Tibet and Amnesty International pasted to the bumper of her parents' electronic-suspension-anti-lock-brakes-airbags-for-everyone-five-CD-changer-mobeel
List n. series of tasks to complete all before Friday; may include such items as: laundry, bludging haircut off mate, vacuuming, buying candles, removing all porn from plain view
Fuckwit n. 1. asshole in the white how-did-I-ever-pass-my-warrant-mobeel who thinks he's going to sneak off with my chairs while I go get my bicycle—n.2. motherfucker who doesn't realise how far I will go to keep what is already mine because the moron cannot begin to fathom the magnitude of Friday
Pathetic adj. coming within inches of making an innocent stranger bleed in an argument over trash on the curbside
Terror n. 1. expression in the eyes of the aging soccer mom who has just pulled into her driveway to find two morons fighting over her rubbish—n. 2. state commonly known to cause panic, frequently results in soccer moms calling police on cellphone without ever leaving safety of vehicle
Chairs n. pl. 3. worthless garbage that the fuckwit in the white van can keep if he likes because after the soccer mom runs in her house I notice her bumper stickers:
Greenpeace
Free Tibet
Amnesty International
Forget v. the only item left on my list of things to do about Friday