with a whisk over a stainless steel bowl
I made mayonnaise with two whole eggs
instead of yolks only
an amateur mistake
as such mayonnaise would require
a vat of oil to thicken
into stiff spreadability
the furious whisking seemed eternal
crook of arm muscles aching
and a brow that would have been all-a-sweat
if the kitchen were not so bloody cold

and you called me on the telephone
you said he’s gone to hospital
something’s wrong with his head
and because you were sleeping together
on the sly you needed me
because only I knew why
you were so particularly upset
I said it’s fine he’s in the right place
by which I meant what has he taken
and with what has he taken it
and has he taken too much
so I went back to whisking
as physical exercise is good
in the face of could-be-bad news

and you called me on the telephone
you said he’s in a coma
that he’s not coming out of
fuck
what
and I dropped the mayonnaise on the floor
and I drove you to the hospital
to half the town and two bottles of whiskey
the most sober party I have ever been to
at two in the morning we ate chips
from the vending machine
and though I was fresh from quitting med school
I didn’t know what to do in a hospital
I forgot not to cross my fingers

rumours circulated with the whiskey
that it happened when he was having sex
and not with you
shockingly dead at thirty-eight
we filed in to hold his hand
there was nothing to be said but
fuck
what
and also very quietly
I love you

though the machine was still there breathing
and squeezing his heart he was so gone
his lips already waxy and closed
at four in the morning we filed out
with a hangover worse than we
had ever tasted

and on the fourth day I was in the shower
because only under warm water
is the mind safe and quiet
and he was sitting in the bathroom
in his faded black as before
freshly lint-rolled
to clear the cat fur
with his eyes half closed
I wrote hello sailor to him on the glass
I knew he shouldn’t be perving
but he was a dead man so I smiled

it is thought that for three days they
settle in and on the fourth day
they take to roaming
either way the cheeky fuck
came to look at me in the shower
and dissolved again into steam