Salient. Newspaper of the Victoria University Students' Association. Vol 42 No. 13. June 11 1979

Bottom of the Week — Where do Babies Come From

Bottom of the Week

Where do Babies Come From

Auckland Today (PA) - Men could become pregnant and give brith to healthy babies.

The birth of the miracle Martin baby at National Womens Hospital Tuesday has made one doctor think pregnancy in men is theoretically possible".

Evening Post (18-5-79)

This must be the most semenial event for New Zealand manhood since the All [ unclear: Blacks] drank the pub dry in Twizel. For too long only women enjoyed the bliss of being with child while men have had to content themselves with a paltry few minutes in that act of creation. We males have been exploited; beguiled of the essence of our manhood by the lecherous palpatations from the true heart of women, who sucking us of our virility leave us to a barren existence void of those seeds of joy which men so persistantly instill in women. There can be no doubt then that this must be the males second coming for, at last we have the chance to enjoy what we are the rightful authors of, nine months of breast swelling and procreation.

Why then are hoards.of decent men (men who mow their lawns on Sundays and have low golf handicaps) and the only surving [ unclear: vetern] from Gallipoli, protesting outside the National Womens Hospital changint "Death to the poofta doctor longlive Patricia." Have they all gone blind? What was Patricia doing in there? Patricia in her own words explains "When I realised that it was probably some filthy film that had quite turned the head of this smuttly little Medico I came straight up to assure these lads that boys will still be boys even though they mightened see these grubby films in future. The thought of having babies is almost as nasty as.....urn.....well you know! No we do not know Patricia so we must leave you and ask this next man here in the street.

Next nab - "Are you from the T.V."

Us - "No I'm afraid this is Bottom of the Week from Salient."

Next man - "Oh, I only read the letters ( Clunk)............uggh........Where were we........¾.......Oh um pregnant males. Yeah, can't wait to get a bit of it.

Us - "Why are you then on this demonstration?

Next man - "I Wanted to be on the T.V."

Things appear to have gone haywire in our Auckland office. We will have to scrap the rest of this paragraph.

Back in Wellington the Captain of that seething mass of idolised brawn, the All Bl acks, has released this statement: about what home grown, piss sinking, sheila rooting Kiwi-buggers would feel about getting up the duff"

"A bloke is a bloke aye....(indicating his belly).....That's for Piss not sprogs.....You know what us fellas do........(nudge, nudge) We are not bloody battery hens.......(laugh)......That's for the Chicks!!!! All that shit about me mates getting a bun in the overn is a load of crap made up by them kiss-ball poofs"

Indeed how these male mothers in general should be classified provided a formidable challenge to government bureaucracy. They have resolutely confronted the problem and have masterfully resolved it by creating a new department to be known euphistically as the department of Mother Fuckers; a grand dour de force on the department's part by ingeniously fusing the two function to be performed.

While the government as usual is at a loss over what to do, others in the community are sure that these events can be put to good profit. Says local fashion designer Giovanni Jones.:

"Paunchy overhanging stomachs that flap in the breeze will soon be a thing of the past. How much more becoming a curvacious protruding abdomen will be for men of the mode." Jockey underwear together with Giovanni have compiled a new look for the season to be known as " Pot Luck".

Up on the hill academia is in a state of enthused agitation as they grapple with the furthermost boundries of knowledge in revising the whole concept of man. A junior lecturer in philisophy has come up with controversal new rulint; "That a joker is a shiela without the frilly bits, and a [ unclear: shiets] is everything which this is not." He [ unclear: argues] without including the apparatus normally associated with this condition.

The English department is wrangling [ unclear: with] a daring new theory that perhaps Milton [ unclear: was] pregnant when he wrote Piradise Lost. [ unclear: With] Opidus rendered onsolete psychologists [ unclear: code] only nod their heads in confusion and [ unclear: murter] "What will heppen to me mum."

On a more positive note Bruce Pearler as unemployed farm labourer has volunteered to get layed for science (and the DPB for [ unclear: solo] mothers). Sya Bruce, "1 wanna be the first mother fucking sonnova bitch".

Let us all wish Bruce well and hope for [ unclear: so] comolications in his historic endevour to [ unclear: realise] every sheila's dream.

As I write these last few lines my candoms burn before me and I urge you my brothers out there to forsake thy women and join Bruce in getting in to something of a bit more substance.

Richard Riddiford

FISHING HOOK FOR SHARKS —