The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 3, Issue 4 (August 1, 1928)
Joke Wit and Humour
Joke Wit and Humour
The Age of Instalments.
“I just gave the doctor £5 on our account,” said the young husband one evening to his wife.
“Oh, darling!” she cried. “Two more payments and the baby is ours.”
* * *
In a Small Way at First.
A farmer had hired a new “Handy man” who knew absolutely nothing about farm life.
“Come here,” said the farmer, “I'll show you how to milk a cow.”
“Don't you think, sir,” replied the new one, “that I had better start on a calf?”
* * *
Winning a Crown.
Teacher: “Johnnie, give me a sentence using the word ‘diadem.’”
Johnnie: “People who drive on to the railroad crossings without looking diadem sight quicker than those who Stop, Look and Listen.”
* * *
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Wife (suddenly struck with brilliant idea): “I shouldn't attempt to mend it, dear. Let's leave it here and go home by train.”
A Rare Dish.
Diner: “Waiter, what is this stuff you have brought me?”
Waiter: “Cottage pudding, sir.”
Diner: “Ah, I thought so! I can taste the plaster and the wallpaper.”
Out of Turn.
“Why did your wife leave you?” asked the lawyer.
“I don't know,” replied the husband. “I remember I was just wiping the gravy from my hair…”
“The gravy from your hair! How could….”
“She threw it. But I must admit I had thrown the soup at her, but then she had broken a teacup over my head.”
“Why?”
“Because I burned her hat when she slit my new overcoat.”
“Slit your new overcoat?”
“Yes, because I threw a book at her and upset the dining-room table. Oh, I bet that's why she left! It wasn't my turn.”
* * *
Fragments of Knowledge from a Schoolboy's Science Paper.
The earth makes a resolution every twenty-four hours.
The difference between air and water is that air can be made wetter and water can not.
We are now masters of steam and eccentricity.
Gravity is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling from the trees.
The axis of the earth is an imaginary line on which the earth takes its daily routine.
Electricity and lightning are of the same nature, the only difference being that lightning is often several miles long while electricity is only a few inches.
* * *
Mistaken Identity.
Child (to stranger in a railway carriage):
“Daddy, Daddy!”
Mother: “Hush darling. That isn't daddy; it's a gentleman.”
* * *
Modern Appliances.
Muriel had been to the zoo for the first time, and was giving her grandmother a long account of what she had seen.
“And which animal did you like best, dear?” asked her grandmother when Muriel had finished.
“Oh, the elephant!” was the reply. “It was wonderful to see him pick up buns with his vaccum-cleaner!”
* * *
The Witty Waiter.
Patron, crossly): “Say, waiter, what are these black spots in my cereal?”
Waiter (after close inspection): “Dunno, sir, unless it's some of them vitamines everyone is talking about now.”