Olympian Nights [1938]
"Olympian Nights" — Act 1
" Olympian Nights"
Act 1.
The curtain rises upon the exterior of the Hall of the Gods in the Roman City of Polonia. A modern impressionistic arch is set in the centre of the stage, between two large pillars, about twelve feet from the front of the stage. Upon the arch above the doorway is inscribed in quaint ancient characters the words " The Hall of The Gods". Through the doorway can be seen the back wall of the interior, with a large Roman Window, curved at the top like the arch, through which a dim subdued light like moonlight is coming. This light must not be strong enough to illuminate the interior of the Hall, though a vague suggestion of dim, shadowy-white figures standing very still may be given. The interior of the Hall is hidden by dark, rich curtains, which extend from either side of the pillars.
Outside, upon a small stool, to the left of the stage, a Roman watchman, clad in armour, is discovered sleeping, breathing very heavily.
The orchestra strikes up suddenly "Steamboat Bill", and a male chorus of Fairies enters left. The Fairies are led by Ariel, and following him come Chloroform, Asbestos, Edina, Cuspidor, Gizzard, Larynx, and Toothpick.
The Fairies enter very noisily in time to the music (in the manner of the Pirates in Act 2 of "The Pirates of Penzance"), line up in front of the stage, and sing the following song. During the Chorus, they execute a short humourous ballet with elephantine grace.
Fairies' Chorus
(Air - "Steamboat Bill").
We're dainty little Fairies prancing hand in hand;
We're dainty little Fairies come from Fairyland;
Our dancing is delightful and our singing sweet -
We are the nicest Fairies you are likely to meet!
Chorus
Oh, Fairies we!
Airy little wary Fairies,
Fairies we!
Our legs are rather hairy!
Fairies we!
Ever singing, ever dancing,
Dainty little fairies come from Fairyland.
We gambol in the forests where the breezes blow,
We always wash in lifebuoy and we don't get B.O.,
Our faces and our figures drive men half insane,
For our clothes are made of gossamer like cellophane!
Chorus
Oh, Fairies we!
Airy little wary Fairies,
Fairies we!
Indulging in vagaries!
Fairies we!
Ever singing, ever dancing,
Dainty little Fairies come from Fairyland.
(The Fairies line up in front of the stage facing the audience, and address the audience in turn.)
Ariel:
(To the audience) Ladies and gentlemen. As you have probably guessed, we are Fairies.
Fairies:
We are!
Edina:
Until recently, the Court Fairies of the Emperor Asparagus.
Chloroform
But we have now got the sack -
Asbestos
Because the Empress caught the Emperor -
Gizzard
Kissing Toothpick (pointing to Toothpick) under the Empress's very nose.
Toothpick
Pardon me - under my very nose!
Larynx
So we are now living in a palace that Ariel built.
Ariel
(Coming forward) I am Ariel.
Ariel
(Impressively) It is my Palace of Mateful Tarts.
Fairies
We are the mateful tarts!
Chloroform
We have come at midnight to the Hall where the statues of the Roman Gods are kept -
Asbestos
(Whispering) For a very secret purpose!
Ariel
Hush, Asbestos! There may be near us some reporters from "Veritas" - on whom be peace!
(The Fairies crowd round in a semi-circle at the front of the stage, in a conspiratorial manner).
Ariel
This is our plan -
Fairies
(Solemnly) We are going to bring the Gods to life!
(They put their fingers to their lips and say "Shh!" very loudly. Then, stamping loudly, they march towards the entrance to the Hall, and station themselves in two diagonal lines on either side of it, pointing to the various statues as they described them).
Ariel
Pretty debauched looking lot, aren't they?
Edina
Funny how a nation's character is always mirrored in its Gods.
Chloroform
Won't Venus be wild when she wakes up and finds she's lost her arms!
Ariel
I don't think even that'll make her 'armless.
Asbestos
I don't think Bacchus looks a nice man, do you?
Gizzard
Now look at Appollo! Oh boy - what a figure!
Cuspidor
I say, how about changing these Roman Gods into the Gods of two the thousand years hence?
Chloroform
And then bringing them to life?
Cuspidor
Why not? We know exactly what Venus'll do when she wakes up - but we don't even know what the future Gods will look like.
Ariel
Cuspidor - we'll try it!
(The already dim stage darkens perceptibly. The orchestra strikes up the melodramatic music of the "Gods' Chorus", at first very low. The Fairies dance clumsily round in a little circle, brandishing their wands and chanting raucously the following chorus).
Chant
Pons asinorum!
Riddle-me-ree!
Hey cockalorum!
Mother Machree!
Fried fish and chips!
Sapientia magis!
Abracadabra!
Home brew and Scotch haggis!
(They continue round in a circle, faster and faster, repeating their chant faster still. Suddenly they halt, their wands uplifted. The stage becomes darker, and thunder is heard, very, loud. The two curtains on either side of the pillars slowly draw apart, leaving the arch and pillars alone in the centre of the stage, and disclosing the interior of the Hall of the Gods. The light coming through the window slowly becomes brighter, illuminating the interior.
Several tall, white-robed figures are seen, standing motionless on pedestals.)
(The four Professors - Cain, Piles, Frown and Bilious - all have long beards, which disappear beneath their togas. Their hands are clasped in front of them and their heads are bent. Stalinus (Stalin) holds in one hand a hammer and in the other a sickle; Scipio Abyssinius (Mussolini) stands in a characteristic attitude with his arms folded; Polainus (Chamberlain) is standing very proudly; Furius (Hitler) has his arm raised in the Nazi salute; Josephus (Savage) and Denarius (Nash) are entirely insignificant and need no comment.
Each pedestal bears a card on which is written the name of the personage represented. All the figures wear white togas draped over themselves in characteristic Roman fashion.
The Fairies enter through the arch and inspect the figures with interest. The melodramatic music continues softly.)
Ariel
Not a bad lot, are they?
Edina
Who are they all?
Ariel
(Pointing to Furius) This gentleman - Furius - is one of the Big Three in European affairs.
Chloroform
Who are the other two?
Ariel
(Pointing to Scipio Abyssinius) This gentleman. These two insignificant creatures (pointing to Josephus and Denarius) are Josephus and Denarius, obscure rulers of Ao Toheroa, a country fortunately as yet undiscovered. This is Stalinus and this Polainus - sworn enemies.
Gizzard
(Inspecting Professors) Who are these ancient beings?
Ariel
These are the student Gods - old as the hills and quite as changeless.
Larynx
Well, how about bringing them to life?
Ariel
O.K., Larynx. Come girls, let us dance!
(The Fairies dance round the arch and pillars, chanting as they go, faster and faster).
Chant
Pons asinorum!
Riddle-me-ree!
Hey Cockalorum!
Mother Machree!
Fried fish and chips!
Sapientia magis!
Abracadabra!
Home brew and Scotch haggis!
(The chant is repeated. Suddenly the Fairies stop dancing, and stand motionless with their arms upraised. There is a loud peal of thunder, and the melodramatic music, which has been continuing, swells louder. The light grows stronger, and the statues are seen to have become animated.)
(The Gods stand looking round in bewilderment. Then, suddenly, they recollect who they are. Each leaps again on his pedestal, and, taking a characteristic attitude, addresses the audience).
Stalinus
Comrades!
Furius
Heil
Scipio
People of Italy!
Polainus
(Languidly) Ladies and gentlemen.
Josephus Denarius
(Together) There is no need for anyone to be in the least alarmed.
Professors
(Mildly) Students!
(The following five speeches are orated simultaneously)
Stalinus
I am born again as Russia was born again! We shall rise to even greater heights -
Furius
In this crisis we stand firmly together. Shall sons of Germania quail? They shall not -
Scipio
From stone I have arisen - from death to life! Are you still with me, my people of Italy? -
Polainus
I don't know who's done this, but, in the words of the poet, we are not amused.
Josephus Denarius
Don't be alarmed, please. We'll pull through all right. Now then!
(The Gods stop suddenly, and look round embarrassed as they realise they are speaking to bare walls).
Furius
There - there isn't anybody there!
Scipio
Just force of habit!
Furius
I say, haven't I met you somewhere before?
Scipio
Munich, wasn't it?
Furius
So it was! (They salute) We've been petrified so long I'd almost forgotten.
Stalinus
How long have we been hibernating, comrades?
Polainus
(In a horrible Oxford accent) Oh, yars and yars!
Furius
(To Scipio) I say, who is this man?
(Scipio shrugs his shoulders)
Josephus
(Drawling) May we tell you who we are?
Polainus
These colonials - most uncouth!
Josephus
(Impressively) I am Josephus, son of Mikki, and I rule the isle of Ao Toheroa. This is my colleague Denarius. Now then!
Furius
(Unimpressed) I say, who is this man?
Scipio
Where is Ao Toheroa?
Furius
It's a kind of soup, isn't it?
Polainus
I seem to remember a Mikki. He had a wife called Minni, did he not?
Denarius
(To Stalinus) Tovarish! You remember me, surely.
Stalinus
(Rushing over and embracing him) Of course, oh Denarius! (Pointing to Josephus) And this is comrade Josephus of whom you spoke?
Josephus
(Vulgarly) How are you, old bean?
Furius
Heil, young ladies! And comely young ladies, too! Who are you?
Ariel
We are Fairies, oh Furius - willing to travel the friendly road with you, and to do anything you wish.
Stalinus
Certain professions are still flourishing, I see.
Polainus
(Turning his back on the Fairies) My country refuses to negotiate with super-human beings.
Josephus
(To Denarius) Do you believe in Fairies, Denarius?
Denarius
Of course - I've been telling fairy tales for years.
Scipio
How long have we been incarcerated in these statues? My style has been terribly cramped.
Ariel
It is now the year 2000 B.M.
Stalinus
B.M.?
Ariel
Before Marx. You are in the City of Polonia, at present governed by the Emperor Asparagus.
Denarius
(Incredulously) Have we gone backwards? This is as complicated as (topical).
Professor Piles
It's - er - perfectly - er - easy. Einstein showed - er - that - er - time was - er - purely relative.
Prof. Cain
(In a Scotch accent) This is a great opportunity to study the elements of Roman Law. Don't take that down.
Ariel
I suppose you would like to see the Emperor?
Scipio
We would!
Ariel
To-morrow, then. In the meantime, we can put you up at our palace - the Palace of Mateful Tarts.
Fairies
Weare the mateful tarts.
Ariel
It exists only in the fourth dimension, but I' m sure you'll find it very comfortable.
Josephus
I'm sure we will.
(The lights fade, and the melodramatic music swells out again.
The Fairies dance off, and the Gods turn to follow them as the two curtains on either side of the arch close in, hiding the interior of the Hall. The watchman stirs a little, and wakes. He suddenly dashes into the Hall, and reappears in a moment, his face white and his eyes staring.)
Watchman
Gawd! They're all gorn!
Quick Curtain.